My own worst enemy

Truth: I haven’t finished a book since 2017.
You might have noticed that last year, I released a lot of books. This year, I’ve released one. (And it was written in 2017.) I didn’t set out with the intention of NOT writing. Mostly, it’s just life. Or that’s what I’ve been telling myself.
In 2016-2017, I spent 20 months in Florida away from my kids while my husband finished school. It was hard AF being away from them but it was also conducive to writing. I had a LOT of free time thanks to the husband pulling 18 hours days. I wrote. A lot. And it felt good.
Then, in December 2017, we moved back to Virginia. I slid back into “Mom” mode instantly and then something on the writing side of things broke. I didn’t realize it right away. I just felt busy. Pulled in a million different directions.
But it’s as if I blinked and HOLY SHIT. It’s JUNE.
And STILL I have not finished anything.
I’ve started things. Five, to be exact. And promised things. Three, specifically. And I’ve developed a side project that isn’t writing-related that lights me up BUT still hasn’t come to fruition yet.
And in the middle of all that, I haven’t actually finished anything.
Because of the struggle, I decided it might be easier to rework an old, dusty project than to create a new one from start to (the dreaded) finish. So, I went back to the first book I ever wrote (originally called Across the Galaxy, unpublished for years now) and reworked it. I’ve basically rewritten the entire thing at this point and it’s awesome. Fun and action-packed and sweet and romantic. I’m proud of it.
But I am sitting at 3 chapters from the end and STILL, here I am, writing this blog post instead of finishing the damned thing.
WHY???
No, really. I’m not being facetious. I really want to know why. Nothing feels “wrong” inside my creative center. I am inspired. I am mentally healthy (relatively speaking considering I’m the mom of two teens). And I’m not burnt out. If anything, I don’t get to work enough hours per day because of all the Mom stuff. (And before you say it, I’ve never been a procrastinator.)
So, why am I avoiding finishing?
If I had to dig deep right now, I’d tell you that the vulnerability of putting your work out in the world never goes away. But I’ve never been beaten by that fear before. Then there’s the business side of what I do, and let me tell you, the biz side of writing is feeling the squeeze right now across the board. I think maybe there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to feel let down when my expectations aren’t quite met.
Regardless of WHY, I can tell you that  the closer I get to the end, the more I fight myself. It’s like my brain doesn’t want to me finish a book.
Maybe at the finish line, the answer will be waiting.
Maybe I just don’t want to know it.
P.S. If you’ve ever struggled like this, please let me know! What did you do to climb out/push past it? I’m all ears!
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2 thoughts on “My own worst enemy

  1. I really love reading your posts. I had this for 18 month and published a short story last year. Yes I was a bit depressed, but now its two years down the line and I have one book coming out, and three that I cannot finish! I had to think deep too – is this my life – I start things I cannot finish! why why am I like this?I am proud of you and I am proud of not just the writing side of you. Every day in this business taking into account being balanced is hard, because getting obsessed about it is easy – then we burn out and our kids suffer, and before you know it your house is falling apart. And then I realized – its everything I do, I start with great push and when it comes to tying it up – I just cant. I just rather give up, because why? Maybe its because it’s easier to control when we working on it, then letting it go out there and you cannot control the where and how the world will take if form there – maybe I will never know why I don’t finish shit! But I try every day and when things do come to pass – I know it was worth it. so perhaps not finishing it despite ever intention to and killing yourself over not – is because the universe is asking us to hold it just a moment longer , Ive realized this with some of my books, some where down the line Im like that is why I had to wait – I just freaking got the best ending to it , by not forcing it! My reasoning could be insane – but IM happy and balanced and feeling more me when it all just flows 🙂 All the best my gorgeous friend.

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    • YES to all of this! Balance iS so hard and it gets worse when we beat ourselves up over falling short. Thank you for the encouragement! It feels good to know I’m not alone. I love you so much, friend! P.S. You are so much more than your writing. Don’t let that define you. Don’t let it dictate how you feel about yourself. xoxo

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